Why should integration with neuro-typical peers always be the goal?

Why might it be of interest?
Your young person’s goals might well be to have friendships and activities in the mainstream – and there’s nothing wrong with that. We should be led by what our young people want not what we think is best for them (OK, to a point!).

I have noticed in many services there seems to be a goal of greater integration and inclusion of disabled young people into the mainstream – and that’s laudable and what we want.

But what if it isn’t what your young person wants? It’s not a failure on anyone’s part – yours or your young person’s – if the young person prefers a specialist setting, whether that’s for school, social activities or living arrangements. Or they prefer a specialist setting some of the time and mainstream other times. I think there’s a risk with integration and inclusion often being the goal that we devalue or undervalue – or worse, think something’s wrong – when this isn’t what our young people want.

The following is my reflection on this based on my many years of running the Sitting & Befriending Service (now FriendBee) and, of course, my own personal experience with my daughter.

yp = young person / young people

Our befriending work is to support the yp in their goals.  We start without judgement and take our lead from the yp.

It is essential for self-esteem and good mental health to have friends we can relate to.  Young disabled people need to have friendships among young disabled people as well as neuro-typical young people – if that is what they want.  We shouldn’t presume that disabled young people seek friendships with their neuro-typical peers.

Many disabled young people are more comfortable with other disabled yp and 1on1 at clubs and activities.  They actively want friendships among disabled yp rather than with their neuro-typical peers

Spending time with yp where you are not the only one with a difference is calming, relaxing, positive.

Friendships among disabled young people may look different and the yp may need support to make and maintain friendships.

Making and maintaining friends involves common ground and interests and some degree of similar development on both sides.  Some of the difficulties in making and maintaining friendships with neuro-typical peers include:

• Common interests – many disabled yp, even where cognitively able, may have interests of a younger child
• Maturity of both young people – it’s a lot to ask of a child or teenager to accommodate the needs of a disabled young person and put their own needs on hold
• Safety – a typical teenager can go out and about with their friends with little support or supervision – most of the young people we support can’t
• Comes back to maturity – it’s too much to ask the neuro-typical yp to take the responsibility
• Language development – limited verbal communication or delayed language development has a huge impact

It’s exhausting; bad for self esteem, detrimental to good mental health and wellbeing to always be the one who is:

• Different
• Slower to catch on
• Always at the bottom of the class
• Unable to join in with games
• Last to be picked
• Have no special friends

Specialist support 1-1 or at clubs and activities is essential and a 1-1 befriender brings:

• No judgements
• Accepts the yp as they are
• Led by the yp
• The yp doesn’t have to ‘keep up’ or ‘hold it all in’
• Positive downtime helps disabled yp build resilience so they can better cope at other times
• Builds confidence that they are OK as they are
• Builds confidence in their interactions in the wider world
• Helps develop skills and abilities
• Supports yp to go a little out of their comfort zone yet still feel safe

The 1-1 work of a befriender translates into the yp’s wider life and in the longer term.  All these examples are drawn from real befriender relationships.

1. 1. games with the befriender help:

• turn taking
• waiting for your turn
• learning there are rules
• learning to follow the rules

watching TV / DVDs / playing computer games:

• helps the yp understand better
• the yp is able to join in conversations with their neuro-typical peers

support at cubs:

• befriender is the safe person if comfort or reassurance is needed – especially if it all becomes a bit much
• yp able to participate
• yp able to stay at the cubs session with the support otherwise would only manage part of the session

learning how to make friends

• a disabled yp missed a lot of school due to her disability and health needs
• she was unable to make and maintain friendships
• always surrounded by adults
• her manner – in mum’s words – was ‘bossy’ and she expected everything on her terms
• spending time with a befriender a few years older help her learn, through modelling by the befriender, the social skills she needed to make friends – the give and take needed

Not all disabled up want to integrate with their neuro-typical peers.  We supported a cognitively very able yp with ASD who couldn’t cope with other yp.  At primary school he spent the best part of each day under a table.  And he pretty much refused to go to school when he reached secondary school age.

All he wanted from a companion was someone to listen to him talk about his interests (he was very well informed) and show his creations.  Further interaction, any attempt to play together was of no interest to the young man and distressed him if pushed.